The ultimate gamble

Anyone who has gone to Las Vegas with me knows I am a gambler. Screw the clubs... Too much noise, too many guys trying to grab me. Too many people in general. I can hang for a bit, but once my senses are overloaded and I need a break, my friends all knew I'd be at a table.

Of course now that I'm in Paris, there is like 7,000 miles between me and Vegas. Along with a continent and an ocean. But I am thinking about the gamble I keep taking that seems to never pay off.

A very long time ago, my high school best friend Alena said to me as I nursed yet another broken heart, "when you find the right guy, you will be married in 6 months."

God, sometimes I wish that was true.

So I gamble. But I have moved on mostly from chips worth $10 to something so much more valuable to me. My heart.

I wish I knew how to get through my life without putting my heart on the line. The years I swore myself to celibacy all I still wanted was someone special in my life. Now I feel those years were wasted. I spent them out of the game.

Now I'm back in, and determined to win it. No my parents couldn't teach me how to win, but surely my paternal grandparents and the love they had for each other has to be a glimpse at what I have to share.

Free falling might be great because it gives your friends a chance to catch you, but only if you trust others to catch you. Kal mused once about our bet that there was more than $100 on the line. He was right. Didn't stop him from all but forgetting about me once he got back to his side of the pond.

Maybe my question is when does this become insane? How many times should I continue gambling at something that hasn't paid off? If his was cash, my friends would have dragged me off of the tables by now? Right?