I wonder

I wonder if I can ask God when I die for a peak into the heads and hearts of all those I have loved.

I wonder if their heads and hearts are like mine. Do they feel the same sense of free falling with no end? Are they so embarrassed by their past and feel it replaying in their heads over and over? Do they feel the unending pain of trying and failing but feeling like they could of or should have done better?

Do they feel the same amount of shame at not having everything society tells you should have?

Is everyone a lost soul? Or am I the only one?

If I get this look into these loved ones heads am I going to be overwhelmed by sympathy and regret for not realizing they are just as wounded as I am? Or will I see that I am legitimately crazy?

Would I have treated these other lost souls differently? If I knew what they were thinking and feeling? Would I have spoken up when I was quiet, reached out when I held back? Comforted them when I pushed them away?

Could I have helped them? Could I have made life a little less lonely for them? Could I have made a difference?

I wonder all the time if I am doing the right thing. Do others do as well? I look at some people and can't tell. They were so confident, so self assured. Could I get a bottle of that please?

More questions than answers today.